Dear Bodice Goddess
I heard a rumor that you may know the TRUE story of St. Patrick's Day. The only reason I ask is because I actually met a leprechaun and he asked me to help him find his cursed gold. Can you shed any light on this??
Lost in Translation
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Dear Lost...
Let me tell you about a very rich mortal named Shaun who dared compare himself to a god. He was a tall, eloquently speaking, dark haired handsome man with more gold than he could ever need. Now Zeus hardly cared about his looks as much as, let's say, I do, but he does have pride issues, so when Zeus heard about this mortal boasting that he was better looking than the King of the Gods, Zeus had me visit this mortal as a beautiful woman (big stretch... NOT) make him fall in love, then break his heart, his ego and eventually his pride. But during this 'courtship' I eventually started to lo... lo..., um, I mean, like him and couldn't do it. Zeus was furious and cursed the handsome mortal by turning him into a short, ugly, red haired, heavily accented dwarf. On top of that curse, Zeus hid all of Shaun's gold and tricked Shaun by telling him the gold was at the end of every rainbow, which we all know is impossible to find. To this day, the 'lepre-shaun', blessed also with immortality, still searches for his gold and enlists anyone's help in getting it.
Oh, and because I feel like I owe the 'little' guy, tell him to follow the path I created for him of 4-leaf clovers. They will eventually lead him back to his gold, although the clovers are far and few between.
Good Luck!!
Always a Bridesmaid, Never A Bridey Aphrodite!!

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Dear Ms. Aphrodite
Hello goddess. Although I have a hard time believing in GODS (Shhh, be quiet!) I thought I'd still write you this little letter to find out if maybe (SHHHH!!) your advice may be able to help me. 
I cannot get someone off my mind that I met years ago. (Alright already, I heard you!) She was a beautiful blond who simply drove me crazy just to be around her. Well, to make a long story short, (I'm getting to that already!) her ex-girlfriend came back into her life and stole her away from me. I know she has some 'feelings' for me. How can I use that to get her back (BE QUIET DAMNIT!)
~ Disgraced in Thrace
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Dearest Disgraced,
Although you say she drove you crazy to be around her, I have a feeling you were CRAZY way before that!! I mean really! Who fights with themselves and talks to invisible "Djin" who control their lives?? I can give you some advice, but for someone who is a few pieces short of a puzzle, you may simply be content in CREATING an imaginary friend to have a crush on because the real one is truly in love and will never leave her beloved!! 
As for not believing in GODS, again with the DUH!!!
Take care, all of you!
Gracious Goddess of Grandiose Beauty... Aphrodite

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Dear Goddesses above all Goddesses!
Hey Dite! Ya probably don't remember me, but my name is Minya and I am throwing a huge bachelor party for a male friend of mine, but I have never thrown one before. Can you give me some advice?
~ Whipping It Up in Greece
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Dearest Minya
Do I remember you?? Trust me girl, you don't forget a woman with as many raging hormones as you have. Speaking of hormones, I know a few women who you should definitely invite to your Soiree to help you GET THIS PARTY STARTED! 
First off, contact Meg at Meg's Tavern. She has a whip cream number that will knock his socks off. 
Second, if you can open up a portal to hell somewhere near the party, I'm sure even the good hearted Xena and Gabrielle can be a couple of naughty nymphs for the groom to be. If you have no fear of being persecuted or driven mad, the Furies are definitely the icing on a flesh cake.
Hope that helps love! 
I'll look for my invite. Send it via Hermes Express!
Keep on a Raging!
~ Aphrodite

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Dear Ms. A.
I am a very sad blond who is lost to the world. I was in love with a very powerful man but he broke my heart and left me in a bad place.
This man was the best sex of my life, but in every hint of his movement you could tell he still had the hots for his ex!! I tried to take her out of the picture, but I lost because of some morphing spell that kept changing her into someone else. 
Anyway, I want to know if there is any way I can try to win his favor back (and take out his ex in the same move!!)
Vexed by the Vortex
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Dear Vexed
I have a lot of time to read and trust me, the tale of the Mavi-CAN has crossed my path. I know all about your 'affair' with my brother Ares and to be honest, I do not see what he sees in you!
First of all, your hair!! Enough said! Second, you tried to take out his lovely Xena, and that right their lost you a lot of brownie points. 
He'll always carry a torch for her and even tho my bro is an endless bottle of testosterone, he'll eventually say no to a murderer of his sweetheart. 
I know you are trapped in your own little world, but maybe that is the only place where you'll truly be happy!!
And next time, don't send your letters C.O.D., Goddesses don't carry dinars!
Later Mavi-CAN'T
Aphro-Fricken-Dite!

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Dear ‘Dite ~ 
I have been an avid fan of yours for many years. Even tho I am no longer on the mortal coil, I am still haunted by your delicious power!! Just being near you for the short time I had you in my grasp, gives me chills up my spine. Wait, maybe the chills are from the short toga I am wearing)
Anyway, thanks to a female adversary, I am strangely intrigued to a different kind of stimulation. When I was going to have this hunk of man killed, she started to nibble on his chest and she offered me to join!! Of course I said no, but I can’t stop thinking about it!! I’m STRAIGHT! 
Tell me what to do! 
~ Terrible in Tartarus 
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Dear Terrible ~ 
It took me a moment to recall, but I do remember your short toga! I also remember your ‘taste’ for my delicious power! News flash honey, you are as straight as a circle! 
Don’t be afraid to let your true feelings out, key word here: OUT! Trust me honey, your mother will be joining PFLAG as soon as you admit to your true tendencies! And for the record, if you EVER try to steal my powers again Calligula, I will make sure your sexual orientation is DELETED from your being! 
~ Love always, 
Lucious Lover of Luxury, Aphro-Freaking-Dite!

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Aphrodite's Heart to Heart 
Dear Goddess of Love,
My girlfriend and I have been trying to spark up the romance, but we are obviously two different people. Where I like to wear nice feminine lingerie, she always wears jeans, plaids and boots. Where I normally find that nice, I'd really like to see the feminine side of her sometimes. Any ideas?
– Missing Out In Japa 
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Dear Missing Out, 
I know this may appear to be unorthodox, but maybe you could buy lingerie that is more plaid than pink. Totally way too much for myself, especially seeing how I love pink more than life, but trust me, see-thru plaid and combat boots make for an interesting combo! 
~ Always yours and especially always hot... Aphro-Hottie, Goddess of Love, Lust and Living It Up!

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Dear Oh Miss Worthy One,
I am in dire need of your absolute love power. I have felt so alone as of late and I cannot figure out why. I am self confident and I have lots of friends who love me, but for some reason I feel like I'm missing my best friend; the person to cheer me up, the person to make me smile, tell me I'm beautiful and the person who feels inferior in my presence. I mean, really, what kind of friend can't admit that I am just better than they are. Anyway, while shopping on Rodeolympus Drive, I realized when I looked in the mirror that GODS I am Beautiful, and two, I miss my best friend.
Can you help? 
- Lost in Limbo Bimbo
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Hey Lost in Limbo Bimbo!
I may be considered stupid just because I'm a blond and I have a valley girl like accent, but trust me, I know who you are! I recognize that handwriting anywhere and I especially recognize the fact that
you think you are the most beautiful thing in the universe....
.... AND YOU ARE RIGHT!!
I knew writing a letter to myself would help cheer me up!!!
- Lots of Love, the Goddess formerly known as Lost In Limbo Bimbo

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Dear Blonde Ambition ~
Three different women have the hots for me, but the problem is they are located in completely different areas. 
While I have 'ways' of getting to each of these areas and visiting them, I need a clear conscience so that I can feel free to date all three at the same time. Is there any advice you can give a devilishly handsome old man who just can't keep the women off me? 
~ Power tripping in Athens, Tripoli, and Troy
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Dear DAD!! 
As If, Zeus!! How many times do I have to tell you, quit writing to my column!! 
Its bad enough that you're my dad, but I can't and WON'T give you advice on how to commit adultery, AND break the hearts of three lovely mortal women who don't even know you're King of the Gods! And if that ol' wife of yours finds out, she'll turn you and me into permanent statues in the Garden of Olympus!!
Now really Dad, keep your love LIVES to yourself! 
~ Your sin-free and carefree daughter, 'Dite